Along Came a Bat
by Shadow over Egypt
Summary: Twinkle, twinkle little bat; how I wonder what you’re at.." Sometimes, Ryou wondered how he associated with the people he did, and still stayed sane. # oneshot, YBxYM #


**Shadow: **For round one of season five of Compy's pairing contest. This time around it's _Psychoshipping – _Yami Bakura x Yami Malik.

_**Notes/Warnings: **_AU; Bakura and Ryou are brothers; Yami Malik is referred to as Mariku, and Mariku and Malik are cousins. Implied shonen-ai, boy x boy, and mild cussing. If you don't like, please leave now, 'kay? Enjoy!

* * *

**Along Came a Bat**

Ryou cautiously ducked the dangling black-and-orange streamers as he went around the dancing Grim Reaper statue (which looked suspiciously like Santa Claus with a black cloak thrown on and a scythe in hand), side-stepping an overenthusiastic gaggle of young ghosts, and knocking his head off the plastic cage hanging from the ceiling with the skeleton in it. The lights continued to flash erratically on the dance floor, the stage-smoke-mist thing that was positively _everywhere_ got up everyone's nose, and the various breeds of parrots particular to this madhouse flew crazily overhead chucking out random quotes from what Ryou strongly suspected was Tim Burton's _A Nightmare Before Christmas. _(Although the albino could've sworn he'd heard a red cockatoo announcing 'Happy Easter' to a bewildered group of she-demons.)

"Just _how _has Health and Safety not shut this place down yet?" Ryou queried lightly, finally reaching his desired destination and taking a seat on one of the (exceedingly few) empty stools at the bar. Propping his chin up with one hand, he thoughtfully regarded the platinum blond on the opposite side of the counter, now resplendent in a battered-looking witch's hat.

"I resent that," Malik grumbled, leaning on the bar as well and completely ignoring the other customers, much to their ire. One lady in particular, somehow _poured _into her vampiress outfit, managing to pull off an outstanding sulky pout at having what she perceived as Malik's rapt attention snatched away from her. (In reality, Malik had been chatting up the guy beside her.) "This place is perfectly safe."

Overhead, a green and yellow budgerigar went flying into a nearby pillar with a defiant cheep of _'nervermore!' _Shortly thereafter followed a quiet _splat, _said bird sliding down somewhat dazed to land in a customer's lap.

Ryou looked at Malik rather flatly. "Unless you have feathers?"

"Ah, they're alright…" The clutzy bird hopped up out of its landing ground, staggered around in a circle a few times, and then took to the air once more. Malik smiled at it, before turning back to his friend. "See?"

Ryou decided not to comment on the fact the budgie had promptly flown into another pillar nigh immediately after taking flight. "…So…how goes the party?"

Malik waved an encompassing hand out at the club-diner-bar-whatever-the-hell-he-currently-felt-like-establishment he called his own. His first Halloween in business, and a pretty good excuse to throw an exclusive party at the most random club-diner-bar-place in the fair city of Domino. "You can see."

_Haven, _Malik called it, and _Haven _was the name scrawled on the sign outside. It was a pretty popular place despite its weirdness – actually, it was probably _because _of its weirdness. No-one was ever quite sure what would hit them the moment they stepped through the establishment's doors. (To date Ryou had counted three parrots, two drinks, a tea-tray, one marshmallow and a beanie baby Pikachu.)

"Yes…" Ryou glanced around himself, pleased to note on his friend's behalf that business seemed to pretty good. Too bad about the _service – _"Malik, shouldn't you be attending your customers?" Some of the other people around the bar were beginning to look decidedly pissy at Ryou for monopolizing the cute guy in charge of the alcohol. "You know…before they lynch me?"

"Fine, fine…just stay there, okay?" The blond bustled away, hat bobbing with his movement as he set about sorting out other peoples' orders. Passing Ryou to go to the other end of the bar a little while later he couldn't help but flash the Brit a quick grin, white teeth brilliant against his tan skin. "You make an adorable vampire, by the way."

"I wasn't trying for '_adorable'," _Ryou protested, hand flying defensively to touch the blood-red gem at his throat fixing his cravat in place beneath his black waistcoat.

"Well you got it regardless." There was a brief lull in trade, Malik reappearing directly opposite his friend once more with a suspiciously fizzing, rather glittery blue-green drink in hand. Powdered sugar lined the rim of the glass, and at least six silver straws of assorted sizes and three little paper umbrellas were sticking out of the lime slice on the side. Malik displayed this with all the air of a magician presenting his grand finale. "Ta-_daa!"_

Ryou stared. "What _is _that?"

Malik beamed brightly, depositing the weird concoction on the counter before the other, pretending not to notice when the albino automatically leant back in his chair away from it. "It's a Ryou's Rumble."

One sceptical eyebrow rose for Ryou's hairline. "And what's _that _when it's at home?"

An eloquent shrug from the blond. "Buggered if I know; I just made it up now."

Ryou, now with a notable namesake, poked his drink rather doubtfully. It _blooped _back at him, a large bubble rising from its sparkly depths and popping at the surface. The doubts did not go away. "…It looks like it's planning to eat me."

"Ryou, it has _paper umbrellas." _As if that completely refuted all homicidal and carnivorous tendencies in suspicious-looking liquids. It had paper umbrellas, therefore in la-la land it was perfectly safe to consume.

A swift change of subject was required so Malik could be distracted while Ryou found a handy plant pot of some sort to dispose of his glittery poison in. "Where's Bakura? I thought he was working behind the bar tonight."

"He was originally, but then he kept teaching the parrots alternate lyrics to their songs and he made me break my broomstick." Malik pouted. "So I kicked him out on glass collection duty, though he'll probably be on the dance floor."

Ryou turned around, squinting to try and make out the silvery-white hair of his brother on the dance floor amongst the multitude of bodies there. He failed. Miserably. "How did he make you break your broomstick?"

"I hit him with it." The Brit swivelled back around on his chair again just in time to watch sulkiness creep into his friend's expression. "Over the head."

"Ah," said Ryou delicately in recognition, and the conversation was tactfully dropped.

Of course, the temporary peace was naturally broken by the bubble of curses heading their way, a teetering tower of assorted glasses stacked well above head-height weaving through the crowds towards the bar. People moved out of the way by sheer instinct, fearing their impending deaths should the tower topple and shatter on their unsuspecting costumed skulls.

…Really, with how drunk Malik's parrots were acting, it was a wonder one of the feathered twits hadn't flown straight into the wobbling, glittering construction…

"Ry-_ou_," the rather scary lilt came from the tower's creator as soon as he came in sight of the doe-eyed, white-haired vampire at the bar, Bakura shifting the tray forming his glass construction's base to one hand so he could wave energetically at his younger brother. (_Eep_spromptly broke out in the crowds, visitors to the diner-bar-club-place running for cover behind the nearest pillar or person. One, dressed as a mummy, huddled behind a nearby decorative coffin overflowing with sweets for the masses to pick at, a pink-haired witch eyeing the confectionaries weirdly when they started wobbling out of the other's fear.)

"Bakura," Ryou winced when his near-identical sibling dropped the tray on the bar with a clatter, the tower of glasses on it nearly toppling completely – and then straightening up once more. The albino only twitched when Bakura paid it no mind, wrapping his arms around the other's waist and propping his chin up on Ryou's shoulder. "Congratulations, I think you just broke at least two laws of physics. Have you considered a career in architecture?"

Malik stared at the structure before him, debating whether or not to give it a doubtful poke. "Oi, genius…" he turned an exasperated look on the unbothered Bakura, "how am I supposed to get the glasses down to wash them?" They were stacked well-above his head (pointy hat and all), and the majority of people around the bar had vanished to quiver out on the dance floor and beyond.

An eloquent shrug from the culprit. "Don't ask me." One hand slid from assaulting Ryou down to the suspicious drink before the vampire. "What's this?"

"Poison," was Ryou's dry retort. The hand was hastily retracted.

Malik looked miffed. "I'll have you know it's an once-in-a-lifetime culinary delight."

Bakura looked at Ryou. His brother nodded. "You can only die once, remember?"

Malik let out a squawk of protest, smothered when a brave soul finally plucked up the courage to ignore the teeter-totter edifice Bakura had made and come in quest of alcohol. The stranger pointed to the concoction before Ryou. "Can I try one of those?"

_Haven_'s owner immediately shook his head. "No."

"What?" The customer looked quite put-out, his bravery wasted. "Why not?"

"It's physically impossible."

"No, it's not," the man argued back. "You made this guy's drink not so long back."

Malik propped his chin up with one hand on the counter, purple eyes serious as he looked at his customer. "If it isn't physically impossible, it's highly improbable."

"Huh?" Confusion from the stranger.

Silence.

"…He means he can't," Ryou explained eventually, twirling one of the silver straws in his liquid abomination. "It'll be a wonder if Malik can even recall half of the stuff he chucked in here, never mind the measures."

"…Oh." A few moments of contemplation, and then the customer rattled off some other cocktail he'd like that had Malik moving off to deal with it.

Bakura, taking advantage of the quiet, slunk into the empty chair beside his brother. "I note my precious little sibling came in alone?"

Ryou shot him a bored glance. "Save the cuteness, aniki. It's not your style."

Bakura's usual catlike smirk slid back onto his features, the expression revealing the fine set of (actually real) fangs the other sported, specially sharpened for the night. "You malign me, Ryou. I was merely expressing my concern at the fact, yet again; my little brother seems to be without a precious someone to while away his hours with…"

"Stop right there." Ryou held a hand up in the other's face, silencing the more irritating near-twin. "I refuse to take romantic advice from someone whose own love life is nonexistent."

Annoyance crinkled Bakura's brow. "I get plenty action, I'll have you know!"

"You note your brother said 'love', and not 'sex'?" Malik was back.

Bakura snorted, flicking back the demon-tail he wore attached to the back of his pants (many thought it was an apt addition for the albino), and crossing his arms. "I fail to see the difference."

"And _that," _Ryou said rather emphatically, "is entirely your problem."

A red-plumed parrot chose that time to flutter down to the group, carefully avoiding the tower of glasses and settling on a doting Malik's shoulder. "What's this?" It squawked, actually rather impeccably in-tune.

Bakura ignored it, actually vexed at what the other two were suggesting. "I'm not looking for _romance, _Ryou! What's wrong with a bit of fun?"

"Nothing…" Malik tipped his hat back out of reach of his pet's inquisitive beak, not wanting a chewed brim to his attire. "Just try not to make it at Kaiba's expense? I _saw _you before – when you were supposed to be working, I'll have you know -, and Kaiba looked about ready to call out the hounds to have you ripped limb from limb."

"'Hounds'?" A quiet _pft _from the elder Brit. "Kaiba probably keeps a rabid bear to set upon those who upset him."

"Then all the more reason not to antagonise him."

"Kaiba?" Ryou re-entered the conversation, curious. "Kaiba's here?"

"'Touto," Bakura's pet name for his brother, the inflection placed upon the title making it almost sound exactly like the name of a certain beloved little yapping pet from _The Wizard of Oz, _"Malik sent out invitations to _all _our 'friends'. They all came, some from quite a way away, for this charming little soiree." A somewhat scathing note was adopted, thumb pointed in _Haven'_s owner's direction, "It wouldn't surprise me if our little bleeding heart over here has arranged for a group hug-and-kiss get-together afterwards."

(In response, Malik remained sheepishly, and rather tellingly, silent. "What's this?" Squawked the parrot again. Malik stuffed a nearby peanut in its beak.)

Ryou poked his brother in the side. "What did you do to Kaiba?"

"Absolutely nothing," Bakura denied all crimes, face free of guilt.

"Then why…?" Ryou trailed off. "Where is Kaiba, anyway?" A glance at the still-crowded dance-floor, a quick survey of the masses everywhere else. "I can't see him."

"Look for the only man not in costume, keeping a beady eye on the guy who is barely _wearing _a costume." Bakura slipped the other's drink away from him while he was preoccupied, taking a small, tentative sip through one of the straws. His face brightened almost immediately, and he forsook the straws, gulping straight from the glass. "This is actually nice!"

Malik frowned at him. "Don't sound so surprised…"

Ryou ignored them both, confused at the other's description. "…I don't follow." He turned back around to face the bar, brown eyes immediately zeroing in on his now half-empty drink. "Hey, that was mine!" He went to snatch it back.

Bakura slid it out of reach, defensive. "You weren't drinking it…"

"Yami came as a succubus." This was pronounced brightly by Malik, the diner-bar-club owner shooing the parrot off of his shoulder with another peanut and completely disregarding the squabbling brothers right in front of him.

"So…?" Ryou didn't bother to look at the blond when he posed his question, losing his temper and smacking Bakura upside the head. "Give me that back!"

"So he's not wearing much," Bakura returned, still defending his stolen alcohol, "and no!"

Exasperated now: "What does that have to do with anything?!" Ryou made another lunge for his drink, succeeding only in grabbing a handful of paper umbrellas. "Damn you Bakura; give me that back before I wring your bloody neck!"

"Fine!" Bakura snarled back at him, temper riled by the other's tone. "Have your stupid drink!"

Malik stretched out a hand, seeing what the other was about to do. "Bakura, _don't!"_

But…it was too late. Brown eyes widened, faced with irate amber-gold, Bakura picking up the cocktail and flinging it in his brother's direction just as Ryou slipped off the chair, liquid flying past his shoulder and –

"Oh." Bakura stared, empty glass still in hand, looking up at the now exceedingly soggy stranger before him, doused in sparkles from the alcohol, "_oops_?"

The stranger pushed a dark blond bang out of his eyes, his hair wet and matted from the drink, the cloak he wore draped around his person spotted with the liquid. "Usually I prefer to have _people _flinging themselves at me rather than drinks…"

"Ma-_rik-_u!!" Malik's trill was actually scary, the barkeeper hopping over the counter and nearly bowling over the other blond in his sudden glee. "I was wondering when you'd finally show your ass here!"

Ryou, still crouched on the ground, looked up. "You two know each other?"

"But of course!" Malik beamed.

"No." Was Mariku's short reply, practically at the same time.

Malik scowled at him, jabbing him in the side with one elbow. "Mariku's my cousin, though he usually tries to deny all relation to me. Can't you see the family resemblance?"

There was a long silence, both Ryou and Bakura looking flatly from Malik, still bedecked in his witch's hat, to the cloaked, slightly taller, Mariku. Whereas the former's hair lay neatly about his face the latter's spiked up in a wild display, raked back with careless fingers to try and run out the damp locks.

Bakura summed it up rather aptly (in his opinion). "He's hotter than you."

Malik made a noise rather close to something that would be suited to leaving one of his parrots' beaks, while Mariku cracked up laughing. Ryou, tentatively, rose from his crouch on the ground, ignoring the insane trio and sliding around the bar to try and find a mop to clean up the mess his brother had made on the floor.

"I'm Bakura," both Bakura and Mariku were, in turn, ignoring Malik, the albino extending a hand to the newcomer, alongside a flirtatious smirk.

"Mariku," the blond affirmed, taking the hand and offering a smirk of his own in return.

Malik, sensing no-one cared about his plight, sighed, and hopped around the other side of the bar to help Ryou in his mop-hunt. "…Those two seem to get along well."

From the depths of the cupboard the Brit had his head stuck in for his search a rather prophetic comment emerged. "We're all doomed."

**-Owari-**

* * *

**-Omake-**

In retrospect, giving Bakura and his new 'friend' (though with all the groping and innuendo going on at that end of the bar Ryou felt the 'with benefits' part of the clause should've been added onto the title at least three hours beforehand) copious amounts of alcohol probably hadn't been a very good idea.

Mariku was swaying, though keeping impeccable balance on his bar-stool. (There was a bet going on as to which of the two inebriated demons would fall off their stool first – Kaiba had Bakura down for falling first, mostly out of spite from earlier.) "Twinkle, twinkle little bat; how I wonder what you're at…Up above the world so high -" There was a long pause as the somewhat unfocused blond tried to think of the next line, "batty twinkling before you die -"

"'S'not how it goes," Bakura insisted, and Ryou breathed a quiet sigh of relief, glad the other seemed to have regained his senses, "'S twinkle, twinkle, little _spider." _Or not.

"No…I'm pretty sure it's a bat…"

Ryou groaned, and started smacking his head off of the counter.

Malik petted his hair sympathetically.


End file.
